Farch

A couple of years ago I made a Vlog about Farch. In case you weren't one of the 42 people that watched that video, here is a more in-depth explanation:

FARCH. The lovely time of year that is the last two weeks of February and the first two weeks of March. It is exactly as horrible as it sounds (at least here in the Midwest). Farch. FARCH. So gross. It rains, its brown, its gray. Sometimes all 3! Sometimes it muddy, sometimes it snows but then immediately melts. Gray, brown, mud, sludge, cold, wet, more brown, and gray again. Think the very opposite of a clear, crisp, pretty fall day. FARCH. Ugh.

It's an in-between time. Christmas is way back in the rear view mirror, Spring is still very far away, and nothing is even approaching turning green,

Now don't get me wrong, I love changing seasons. I love living in a place that I can see the fall colors, experience an amazing spring growth season, own a pool, AND go sledding.

But in my opinion there is nothing good about Farch. This time of year is equivalent to waiting in a doctors office with a broken tv, dead cell phone, and a 7 year old copy of "Boring Today". (that's a drilling magazing BTW).

I hate it because I'm impatient. I hate waiting. I love living in this time of instant knowledge, instant shopping, instant communication. I never have to wait for anything, and let me tell you this A.D.D. lady loves it. This means I'm ready to jump right from snow to tulips. LETS GO ALREADY.

The bottom line is, though, there's nothing I can do about it. I could move, I guess, but that seems a little drastic for something that only happens 3-4 weeks of the year. Weather and seasons will do what they do.

I tell myself to learn something from it. Try to find a use for it. How can I channel this towards growth? One parallel to my life I found is I also hate the Farch-like moments of life. Waiting for business changes/improvements I've enacted to pay off, waiting for money to save up by living on a budget, waiting through my slow season, ect.

I tell myself when these things come up next, I will wait them out gracefully, with thought and purpose. I tell myself I will meditate on how life needs time to rebuild and downtime before growth, and I will feel nature and patience and peace and all that shit in my heart.

It never happens, because honestly I only have impatience and impulsiveness in my heart.

So join me in impatiently waiting out Farch.

I want to be wrong.

Hello and welcome to my newest blog!

Okay so I've had a few blogs over the past thirteen years. ALL of which are now hidden from public consumption due to, uh...reasons. Here's one: my 2004 blog was a Tucker-Max-style recollection of my 22-year-old deep thoughts on being drunk, and the accompanying stories. Woo?

Seriously though, its pretty funny to see what I thought other people would want to read about, and the difference between the story and what I remember. Reality is probably a bit of a mix of the two. It's also interesting to see a later post from the end of 2006 where I obviously went back and read the old posts and felt compelled to write a disclaimer about said posts and how it was "really only a 6-month period of my life" and "not how I really am".

That post, in a way, is a reflection of what this new blog is really all about. Clearly my perspective and values had changed in just a few years and I felt the need to explain. I saw then some things I see a lot more clearly now. The things that bled through unintentionally. A need to prove something, a bit of typical adolescent ego that has threads of self-doubt and self-promotion. I was doing the early twenties thing and trying on a persona, seeing if it fit. I can imagine my subconscious asking itself: "Am I a party girl? Am I entertaining? Is this what people want me to be?". I think in 2006 it embarrassed me to look back at it, I saw myself as being wrong.

11 years later I see the inevitability and importance of "being wrong". It truly is inevitable. There is NOTHING we can do about it. We will always be wrong. We will always look back and either cringe or laugh. Even in this moment, you are wrong, you are doing something cringe-worthy. I am  definitely going to look back at this post in 10 years and laugh at how I didn't really get it.

But personally, I also want to look back 13 years, 8 years, 2 years, 2 weeks, and see how I have changed. That is where the real value of being wrong lies. Because yes, clearly I am not a full-time party girl. I do, however, have a part of me that loves feeling like one. Being a party girl/boy is about approaching a "good time" in an almost childlike manner, living in the moment and chasing the fun. Without my misadventures being a 6 month party girl I don't know that I would have learned that about myself.

If I had been trying to never be "wrong", never have anything to look back on and cringe, I wouldn't have had a chance to change. I'd still be who I was at 20, broken and scared and limited. I know people like that, don't you?

My greatest fear is to be so committed to a way of thinking about myself, that I never realize how wrong I am.

So I always reserve the right to be wrong.